Thx for the Memories...

It bothers me when people write "thx," instead of "thanks." What, are you appreciative of something someone did, but not thankful enough to type/write three extra letters? Come on people - "thx" is not a word (but "thanks" is)! Hell, it doesn't even have a vowel (not even that bastard vowel - y). Are we as a people so lazy that we can not even give a full effort to thank someone? How grateful can we actually be? It's not like those extra three key strokes will kill us, but they may let the person who we are thxing that we actually appreciate their efforts, enough to type a full six letters.

Lazy bastards.

Why is it that Y is sometimes a vowel? Is it really the illegitimate child of a vowel and a consonant? Is it a hybrid, or a halfbreed? Does it's dual status make it better than the other letters because of it's versatility, or does it not fit in with either crowd due to it's failure to be 100% committed to either group. I think if we, as a people, can help answer the "Y"-questions, we can better improve race relations.

Whoops!

I, like most American men had an urge to try to find the naked picture of Vanessa Hudgens on the Internet. Thankfully, I was unable to find it. I say thankfully, not because I don't think she looks good, but because it turns out that she was 15 when the picture was taken, thus making the picture child pornography. I have never been so thankful I was lazy.

This situation brings to mind some interesting questions. First, let's say you downloaded it, forgot about it (especially easy if you have a short attention span like I do), left it on some deep, dark corner of your computer, only to have it found three years from now during a trip to the Geek Squad. They see child pornography on your computer, call the cops, and you have to go to the R. Kelly defense of "I thought she was 18!" Sadly, she was 18 when the photo was widely released, but 15 when it was taken. So unlike waiting for a year to date that hot 17 year old, you can not just wait a year to look at the photo.

Now maybe, since there was more than likely a wide-downloading of this photo, the authorities will take it easy on the offenders, especially given the celebrity nature of the subject. Should they? I mean, if that's the case, please release the Britney pictures from when she was 17!

Also, is there a dirtier feeling than thinking a woman is hot, only to find out she's really a girl? I remember a time way back when I went to get my little brother (Angry Jew-2) from high school because his ride wouldn't start. I went in and was conversing with some old teachers from my time there. I saw this girl walk by and was admiring, when one of the teachers told me she was 13 and a freshman! I was shocked - I would have guessed she was a senior or maybe a really young teacher. I felt so dirty that when I got home I rinsed my eyes out with alcohol, letting the burning feeling be my punishment.

I also felt dirty when I learned Taylor Swift was 17. Next year will be nice.

Workaholics...

Allow me to channel Jerry Seinfeld for a moment: "What's the deal with all these people working so much?"

I don't get people who work 60-80 hours per week. I understand that "The job needs to get done," and "People are counting on me," but really, is it worth it? There are very few jobs in this world where stopping at 5:00 until the next morning at 8:00 will result in people's death. I think a well-paced 8-9 hours should be sufficient for anyone to competently get through their day.

Some people like to say that their job is too important to let it wait for them to come in the next morning. What about their families? Aren't they important too? How about that person themselves - isn't their health and happiness worth something as well? Take a look around - if you could get a bad case of diarrhea and it would be OK to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom, you can leave and let work wait while you remember why you work.

This post obviously doesn't apply to the young, single uppity people who need to buy $300 sunglasses and $1,200 purses. They need to work more to afford those things that they can't show off because they are too busy working. It's a vicious cycle.

Sometimes We Need to Step Away From the Humor...

Today is one of those days. 9/11 to me is a day to remember that we, as a nation, are just as vulnerable as any other nation is to acts of terror. We should take time to thank all the people who put their own life on the line to protect our lives and our way of life. These people have more courage and selflessness than any other group I know of.

Thank you all for having more courage than I could ever have.

Things that may not be as good (or as bad) as they appear

I saw the video of Britney at the VMA show. I do not know why so many people have such vicious things to say about her. She may not be as hot as she was circa 2001, but she is still a fine piece of MILFage! I give her a lot of credit - she didn't always look good in the swimsuit photos, but she had some decent abs while on stage. Her arms looked a little bigger, but hopefully that is additional muscle from carrying her baby/ies around. Regardless of the size of her pythons, I still say all these naysayers need to be quiet. If she walked into a bar (preferably one I hang out in), every guy would go out of their way to hit on her, even if they didn't know who she was. If they didn't, they are either married, or gay.

Also over the weekend I saw the Big Blue of Michigan were disappointed again. I thought that this was Michigan's year in college football. I was wrong, but the year is still early. Going into this season, the knock on Lloyd Carr's team was that they were unable to beat Ohio State or a bowl game. The same can not be said about a certain Jew's favorite college program, the University of Minnesota. We take our lumps against Ohio State, but at least we win the occasional bowl game (Yeah - that's right Alabama, we ran all over your supposedly great defense in the 2004 Music City Bowl!). I may be a rube who doesn't understand the workings of a big-time football program, but I think Michigan will win some games this year, as they do have Minnesota on the schedule (although last time we went to Ann Arbor I seem to remember us going Appalachian State on them, also the last time Jason Giannini made a kick that mattered).

Wouldn't it be funny if they beat Ohio State, won a bowl game, shedding Mr. Carr of both of the previously mentioned stigmas, but the other games that they lost lead to him losing his job?

Great Quote:

"All babies are beautiful, and this one is no different"

University of Minnesota Football Coach on the team getting his team's first win (and his first-ever as a collegiate head coach), in a game they almost chocked away before winning in 3 overtimes.

Magnum, PI

Thank God for this popular trend of remaking 1980's TV shows into movies. We got to see Starsky & Hutch, Transformers, Miami Vice, and now I received word that soon to be filmed is the king of all shows: Magnum, PI. I anxiously await this release, but am saddened by the rumors that Tom Selleck will not be Magnum, nor even in the movie. This is the cast I heard:

Matthew McConaughey as Magnum
Steve Zahn as Rick
Tyrese Gibson as TC
William H. Macy as Higgins

I do not approve. Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV is Tom Selleck, and Tom Selleck should be Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV. This would be like remaking The Golden Girls without that tall guy, you know, Estelle Getty's kid...Bea Arthur. That guy is funny.

Amid my disgust, I got thinking of other great shows that need movies made of them. Here's my list:

GI Joe - I would prefer a non-cartoon version, and given the recent success of Transformers, as well as the political landscape, perhaps funding can be arranged by hitting up the Republican National Committee.

Diff'rent Strokes - I don't know where we could find another group of kids who would turn out to be such horrible adults... but I want to try! Has there ever been a greater collection of wasted talent than that of Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman?

The Facts of Life - With some tweaks to casting, this could be a great movie. Beyonce as Tootie, Jessica Simpson as Beverly, and Lindsay Lohan as Jo. I see a big box office smash.

The A-Team - I think we could still use Mr. T is this movie, but would also like to use Steve Martin as Hannibal.

Why am I not in Hollywood writing screenplays?