Freedom

Today I got to experience one of the greatest feelings in the world...quitting my job. I don't usually blog about myself (only my opinions), but this feeling got me thinking about how great it is to leave a job. In my case, it was extremely beneficial because my boss is the main reason I am leaving, and he didn't see my leaving coming. Nothing like surprising him and giving him no recourse.

It brought to mind the greatest moments involving walking away from a job, and I am not talking about Joe Torre, Richard Nixon or Senator Larry Craig. I speak of Inetta the Moodsetta of WBLX-FM (92.9 on your Alabama radio dial). Her speech captured what all of us want to say in 4 simple words: "I quit this bitch!"

See this link for the clip.

Damn Near Killed 'Em

It's been a while since my last posting, and for those of you who live for my posts, I apologize. I apologize mostly because your life needs more meaning then the mindless rants of me....so lay off e-mailing me about it! I post as I find motivation, and today I found the best motivation of all time. Let me repeat that...All Time.

I got an e-mail telling about a weightlifter lifting so much he had a prolapsed rectum. Obviously a fake story, but the picture included (shown below) is memorable.

The puns coming from this story ad picture are numerous. To sum the story up in under 10 words: Dude lifted too much, and his rectum came out. I only play a doctor occasionally at the bar, so my medical training is low, but when the rectum leaves the body, it's not good. In fact, you are in deep shit. Or more accurately, your third spotter is in deep shit. The funny part is the third spotter kind of seems like the lazy spotter. You want the first two to grab the weights from the side, and the third guy is there to make sure he doesn't fall backwards. The guy is watching, not expecting anything, and then...

Guy lays his ass out, and third spotter gets sprayed with ass parts and fecal matter! You would have to pay me a lot to withstand that job. First, you get to view a big guy literally squatting in front of you wearing very tight clothes, then there is the chance that he will shoot his ass and fecal matter all over you. No thank you.

His rectum...is out of his body. Even if the picture is staged...his ass is inside out...

Oh, and then the doctors put him on a low-fiber diet to reduce flatulence.

Update: a link to the story online. Again, obviously fake, but a funny story nonetheless.

http://www.snopes.com/photos/risque/prolapse.asp

Write that down...

Is there anything more fun than quoting movies? With just one line, you can bring people back to feel the emotion of a whole movie, and get some decent laughs. Generally comedies quote better than dramas or action movies (and foreign films suck to quote - no one knows what your saying with out the subtitling...and subtitling doesn't exist in real life). I think we all need to take some time and refresh ourselves on the best quote movies of all-time. Here's my top 5 most quotable movies, along with some thoughts and top quotes.

1) Van Wilder. There is no movie I quote more, from "Write that down," to "Are you stalking me? Because that would be super!" to "Sorry boys, the bakery is closed," to "Naomi, that's 'I Moan' backwards." Simply put, the best ever quote movie. Very underrated, no matter what it's rated (unless it's rated #1 of course).

2) Caddyshack. Everyone reading this ought to be able to run off 4 Caddyshack quotes instantly, if not, go back and watch this movie. Chevy Chase at his best. Also, and very importantly, Caddyshack II sucks. A lot.

3) Casablanca. A classic, even if in black and white. When the American Film Institute came out with it's list of 100 greatest movie quotes, Casablanca was the film with the most quotes, 7. Some are serious, some are funny, and most people quoting the movie don't know that they are quoting this movie. Stellar.

4) Full Metal Jacket. Truthfully, you only need to watch the first hour of this movie. Once Vincent D'onofrio dies, the movie loses a lot. Quick - what are the only two things to come out of Texas? I don't need to say anymore.

5) Fletch. Again, Chevy Chase at his best. Too many good quotes to list, so here's a link:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089155/quotes Try to read without laughing (especially if you are at work - we don't need this blog blocked by more companies).

Just missing the cut:

Billy Madison

Bull Durham

Major League

Maltese Falcon

Let me know what movies I missed.

Thx for the Memories...

It bothers me when people write "thx," instead of "thanks." What, are you appreciative of something someone did, but not thankful enough to type/write three extra letters? Come on people - "thx" is not a word (but "thanks" is)! Hell, it doesn't even have a vowel (not even that bastard vowel - y). Are we as a people so lazy that we can not even give a full effort to thank someone? How grateful can we actually be? It's not like those extra three key strokes will kill us, but they may let the person who we are thxing that we actually appreciate their efforts, enough to type a full six letters.

Lazy bastards.

Why is it that Y is sometimes a vowel? Is it really the illegitimate child of a vowel and a consonant? Is it a hybrid, or a halfbreed? Does it's dual status make it better than the other letters because of it's versatility, or does it not fit in with either crowd due to it's failure to be 100% committed to either group. I think if we, as a people, can help answer the "Y"-questions, we can better improve race relations.

Whoops!

I, like most American men had an urge to try to find the naked picture of Vanessa Hudgens on the Internet. Thankfully, I was unable to find it. I say thankfully, not because I don't think she looks good, but because it turns out that she was 15 when the picture was taken, thus making the picture child pornography. I have never been so thankful I was lazy.

This situation brings to mind some interesting questions. First, let's say you downloaded it, forgot about it (especially easy if you have a short attention span like I do), left it on some deep, dark corner of your computer, only to have it found three years from now during a trip to the Geek Squad. They see child pornography on your computer, call the cops, and you have to go to the R. Kelly defense of "I thought she was 18!" Sadly, she was 18 when the photo was widely released, but 15 when it was taken. So unlike waiting for a year to date that hot 17 year old, you can not just wait a year to look at the photo.

Now maybe, since there was more than likely a wide-downloading of this photo, the authorities will take it easy on the offenders, especially given the celebrity nature of the subject. Should they? I mean, if that's the case, please release the Britney pictures from when she was 17!

Also, is there a dirtier feeling than thinking a woman is hot, only to find out she's really a girl? I remember a time way back when I went to get my little brother (Angry Jew-2) from high school because his ride wouldn't start. I went in and was conversing with some old teachers from my time there. I saw this girl walk by and was admiring, when one of the teachers told me she was 13 and a freshman! I was shocked - I would have guessed she was a senior or maybe a really young teacher. I felt so dirty that when I got home I rinsed my eyes out with alcohol, letting the burning feeling be my punishment.

I also felt dirty when I learned Taylor Swift was 17. Next year will be nice.

Workaholics...

Allow me to channel Jerry Seinfeld for a moment: "What's the deal with all these people working so much?"

I don't get people who work 60-80 hours per week. I understand that "The job needs to get done," and "People are counting on me," but really, is it worth it? There are very few jobs in this world where stopping at 5:00 until the next morning at 8:00 will result in people's death. I think a well-paced 8-9 hours should be sufficient for anyone to competently get through their day.

Some people like to say that their job is too important to let it wait for them to come in the next morning. What about their families? Aren't they important too? How about that person themselves - isn't their health and happiness worth something as well? Take a look around - if you could get a bad case of diarrhea and it would be OK to spend 30 minutes in the bathroom, you can leave and let work wait while you remember why you work.

This post obviously doesn't apply to the young, single uppity people who need to buy $300 sunglasses and $1,200 purses. They need to work more to afford those things that they can't show off because they are too busy working. It's a vicious cycle.

Sometimes We Need to Step Away From the Humor...

Today is one of those days. 9/11 to me is a day to remember that we, as a nation, are just as vulnerable as any other nation is to acts of terror. We should take time to thank all the people who put their own life on the line to protect our lives and our way of life. These people have more courage and selflessness than any other group I know of.

Thank you all for having more courage than I could ever have.

Things that may not be as good (or as bad) as they appear

I saw the video of Britney at the VMA show. I do not know why so many people have such vicious things to say about her. She may not be as hot as she was circa 2001, but she is still a fine piece of MILFage! I give her a lot of credit - she didn't always look good in the swimsuit photos, but she had some decent abs while on stage. Her arms looked a little bigger, but hopefully that is additional muscle from carrying her baby/ies around. Regardless of the size of her pythons, I still say all these naysayers need to be quiet. If she walked into a bar (preferably one I hang out in), every guy would go out of their way to hit on her, even if they didn't know who she was. If they didn't, they are either married, or gay.

Also over the weekend I saw the Big Blue of Michigan were disappointed again. I thought that this was Michigan's year in college football. I was wrong, but the year is still early. Going into this season, the knock on Lloyd Carr's team was that they were unable to beat Ohio State or a bowl game. The same can not be said about a certain Jew's favorite college program, the University of Minnesota. We take our lumps against Ohio State, but at least we win the occasional bowl game (Yeah - that's right Alabama, we ran all over your supposedly great defense in the 2004 Music City Bowl!). I may be a rube who doesn't understand the workings of a big-time football program, but I think Michigan will win some games this year, as they do have Minnesota on the schedule (although last time we went to Ann Arbor I seem to remember us going Appalachian State on them, also the last time Jason Giannini made a kick that mattered).

Wouldn't it be funny if they beat Ohio State, won a bowl game, shedding Mr. Carr of both of the previously mentioned stigmas, but the other games that they lost lead to him losing his job?

Great Quote:

"All babies are beautiful, and this one is no different"

University of Minnesota Football Coach on the team getting his team's first win (and his first-ever as a collegiate head coach), in a game they almost chocked away before winning in 3 overtimes.

Magnum, PI

Thank God for this popular trend of remaking 1980's TV shows into movies. We got to see Starsky & Hutch, Transformers, Miami Vice, and now I received word that soon to be filmed is the king of all shows: Magnum, PI. I anxiously await this release, but am saddened by the rumors that Tom Selleck will not be Magnum, nor even in the movie. This is the cast I heard:

Matthew McConaughey as Magnum
Steve Zahn as Rick
Tyrese Gibson as TC
William H. Macy as Higgins

I do not approve. Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV is Tom Selleck, and Tom Selleck should be Thomas Sullivan Magnum IV. This would be like remaking The Golden Girls without that tall guy, you know, Estelle Getty's kid...Bea Arthur. That guy is funny.

Amid my disgust, I got thinking of other great shows that need movies made of them. Here's my list:

GI Joe - I would prefer a non-cartoon version, and given the recent success of Transformers, as well as the political landscape, perhaps funding can be arranged by hitting up the Republican National Committee.

Diff'rent Strokes - I don't know where we could find another group of kids who would turn out to be such horrible adults... but I want to try! Has there ever been a greater collection of wasted talent than that of Dana Plato, Todd Bridges and Gary Coleman?

The Facts of Life - With some tweaks to casting, this could be a great movie. Beyonce as Tootie, Jessica Simpson as Beverly, and Lindsay Lohan as Jo. I see a big box office smash.

The A-Team - I think we could still use Mr. T is this movie, but would also like to use Steve Martin as Hannibal.

Why am I not in Hollywood writing screenplays?

I now recognize the Senator from Idaho...Trigger

Everyone is commenting on Senator Craig's behavior, and I must now add my two cents. While I don't condone lewd behavior (at least not in an airport bathroom, with an undercover cop...unless she's hot), my bigger problem is that the messages he sent were recognized as signals used by persons wishing to engage in lewd behavior.

http://www.cnn.com/2007/POLITICS/08/27/craig.arrest/index.html#cnnSTCText

There are recognized signals for wishing to engage in lewd behavior? And they involve tapping a foot? How many times have I sent lewd messages...wait...this kind of lewd message, and not known it? And who, aside from showbiz horses (not the Shelley Long kind, the Trigger kind), communicates by stomping a foot? Was this signal originally used to communicate a wish to engage in lewd behavior with a horse? Given that, who really is surprised that this happened to the Senator from Idaho?

The real-life followup questions that I wish to ask:

1) What was the next day at work like?

2) Did you feel the need to pull a Tom Selleck or Mike Piazza and hold a press conference stating you are allegedly not gay?

3) Not that I need to know other than to make sure I avoid these, but where/how did you learn these recognized signs?

4) Earlier in the alleged day, did the Senator get a fortune cookie stating: "Man peeing in stall is best to pee alone?"

My Grandfather always told me that real-life is the best teacher. I guess the subject really doesn't matter.

College Smarts, Part 1

With autumn soon approaching, a man's fancies turn toward that one genetic craving that all men share: football. Sadly, at least for us in the upper Mid-West, more specifically those of us who got into college, a lot of the games will be on the Big 11 (10) Network. More specifically, they will be broadcast solely on DirecTV, as the other main providers have not reached agreements with the BTN.

I recently asked Dish Network about this, and they replied with:

"For several months, DISH Network has been diligently negotiating with BTN to obtain a carriage agreement consistent with other regional sports networks, but BTN wants unreasonable and inconsistent payments from all of our customers regardless of whether or not they are Big Ten fans. The good news is that DISH Network customers who are Big Ten fans will get most of their games with the current channels available on DISH Network – at no additional cost."

Let me get this right - I pay a portion of my bill each month for such networks as TBN, HGTV, Lifetime and BYU, and I have never watched them (except for the Golden Girls Marathon on Lifetime - but I have never watched Lifetime Movie!). Not only have I never watched them - I never plan to, unless my genitalia grows inward and/or I decide that polygamy is the way to go. Maybe I can trade those channels in for BTN? Maybe I can trade 3 of the Mexican/Telemundo channels in for 1 American channel? Will that work conversion-wise, or does it depend on the strength of the peso?

The facts are simple: Dish Network and Comcast argue that they shouldn't charge the entire nation to watch something that only 1 region (about 20% of the nation is Big 10 county, unless you are Tim Brewster, then this great nation of our's is/will be a Gopher Nation) wants, but they have no problem charging the nation for a channel only a few backwards Utuckians want in the BYU network.

And Big 10 Network - You are not innocent here either. Stop holding your fans hostage. Set up an agreement with reimbursement based on regional membership and ratings. If no one watches - you don't get paid. The more people watch, the more you get paid. Either way, you get paid what you are worth.

The bigger question is this: Which will fold first, a side in the BTN-Cable/Satellite negotiations, or the Gopher football team?

Is It Really "Slumming" If She Has $600 Million?

With every new day, there is a new Britney Spears story. I like this. For all her faults, she is still very attractive. In fact, I think that she may be more attractive because of them. Back in the day, when she just turned 18 (she wasn't officially hot until then...), she was way out of my league. Do you know how hard it is on a guy when a girl is so far out of his league that she turns him down in his fantasies? But now, with her recent craziness, I might be slumming if we ever got together. But is it really slumming if she has $600,000,000? I think not. Gold-digging? Maybe, but she was, if not is, a sex-symbol, so it's not that either.

Of course, if a hookup was going to take place, I would need a full-body condom, like the one used in Naked Gun.

First Posting...and Elderly Drivers

Welcome to the Angry Jew Daily! Despite the name, this is a site with no religious affiliation. My goal is simply to have a forum where I can sound off on what bugs me in society, and see if anyone reads it. Occasionally, I will also discuss sports, 80's & 90's sitcoms, and news articles.

Grandma - I love you, but give me the car keys.

For the first post, I will look into a group of people that have bugged me for years...elderly drivers. This is by no means meant as a slam on all elderly people, just an accurate depiction of what I have seen in the world today. Old people are usually the cause of most slow-downs in traffic (that and people on cell phones), and I don't get it. What are they doing outside during the day? Isn't Matlock on? Don't they have African-American chauffeurs like in Driving Miss Daisy? I am all about people living life to the fullest, except when those people delay me living my life to the fullest. Perhaps we can find a way to co-exist in society - I will avoid driving near their eating establishments around 4:30 when they go an eat dinner, and they will do all their driving between the hours of 9:00 am and 11:00 am, or 1:00 pm and 5:00 pm. I know this seems like a hassle, but it should save me from hours of getting stuck behind them.

Also, what is going on with the people I see driving everywhere talking on cell phones? Do you really have that much going on in your life where you don't have any time to communicate with your friends, except for that time when you are directing a 2-ton missile near me? Is it too hard to even use a hands-free set so you could have at least full control of your missile/car...even if it's a distracted full control? I would worry more about the backlash from this post if it wasn't for their short attention spans, coupled with this item being at the end of the post.

What group of people bugs you?